a ranch will be mine, this i know

The ranch is calling me. I can feel it. Besides, I got a really cool new vest I need to break in with a little red dirt...perhaps some cow slobber. I've decided on my lifes dream and I'm not going to let anything get in my way. At almost 31, I have plenty of time to make it work and for 31 years I have lived my life to please everyone else. My goals, my day to day activities, my schedule, my decisions, have all been made for as long as I can ever remember to please someone else. And never again will I be dependent on another human being. I only have 1 year left for my Pre-vet to be finished. I will either go on to vet school or major in animal science. I just wish I would have realized this, oh, about 10 years ago, but God had a plan for me, for some reason or another. I've learned NOT to ask God "why," but to wait patiently on the Lord so that I may mount up with as eagles. And for that promise of His, I'm so giddy with excitement I can't hardly contain myself.

My dream is to own a ranch. A working ranch. There's lots of things that play in to why I want a ranch. Is it the way I feel when I come back from western Oklahoma? Is it that I discovered the best show in the whole world on Animal Planet called "Last American Cowboy," or is the fact that my heart was stuck in western Oklahoma but my body was moving around in a military family and I never got the chance to bloom in the place my heart was planted? Or is it the fact that it's always been my calling from God but my own agenda and sin have stood in the way of me seeing it?

I have a need to work cows. I have a need to pull a calf. I have a need to drop feed and count head. I have a need to ride a fence line and check for breaks. I have a need for these things to be mine and not just go to my cousins, or grandma's, or a friend. (The secret bonus? I could hunt and fish on my OWN place and never feel like I'm imposing by asking permission or have to travel hundreds of miles to get to grandma's.) What's it going to take for me live this out? I don't know, and I really don't care. I think my 6 year old daughter has developed such a love of horses (and she's getting quite handy with them) that she's probably willing to sacrifice just as much as I am to get to the point where we can get up out of bed, go to the barn, hop on horseback and herd some cattle. One thing I lack is long time experience. Oh I havea little experience...with family. But having someone give you the time of day to let you do some labor for them just doesn't happen...especially when they see a single mom with 2 small girls and you weigh a buck ten. I won't lie, people judge a book by it's cover and for me, that's unfortunate. I love horses, any woman would probably let me come work with horses, but cows are my passion. Cattle and land is what I want in life. And I'm not willing to let anything stand in my way to get to that point, God willing. Umm, looks like I have alot of savin' up to do now. I guess I will head to western Oklahoma for a couple days sometime soon, get my fix and then buckle down because I have chemistry this semester...ugh.

Wow. Today is day I don't want to repeat, but as long as there is life on earth, it will someday happen again. Sasha died today. Riv was 2 years old when we got her. Sasha was 8 weeks old. I potty trained them at the same time. Sasha had a curious streak. She was the most loyal dog. Her only goal was to love you, no matter who you were; and she would knock you over to lick your face to prove it. But if she caught scent of a rabbit, cat, skunk or a pretty little flower her nose took over. Today she was hit by a car, and the hardest part was telling Riv. She had her break down. She wanted to see her one last time. She was upset the most that she didn't get to say goodbye. She wanted me to promise to never get her another dog again. (I just told her she would make that decision when she was a little older.) I told her time would heal our hurts and Loki needed our love right now. She decorated a piece of wood, Jason nailed it onto another piece of wood to form a cross to put under her favorite tree. And tonight, she lays sleeping with an 8x10 picture of her and Sasha, smiling and happy. And now, that everyone is asleep and the day is done, I will have my breakdown. Goodbye Sasha. I love you so much and we will never forget you.