So, today is St. Patty's Day '10. That's just a reference, I could care less. Green is my favorite color; I wear it all the time. I'm about as far from Irish as it gets, though. I'll still wear my super cool green hat, today, maybe.
It's been awhile since I've posted here. Facebook is interesting. It sucks you in, you get curious about what everybody is doing and not a soul cares about what you are doing. You continually check like it's going to make a difference or something...or like someone might actually acknowledge something you post; like someone other than family or the usual people. You get on wanting to feel accepted. It's like high school all over again. It's stupid, really.
So there's a lot going on my life right now. Sometimes, in our spiritual life, we are on a roll, we're on top of a mountain with the Lord. His presence is obvious, doors are opening, messages are clear, prayer time is easy, your patience and your other fruits are easily demonstrated.
Sometimes we are in low-lying valleys. Life seems to be dry, the Holy Spirit seems to be lurking somewhere not to be accessed. God is testing our rational faith in Him. The emotional "high" of the Holy Spirit is not there. Can you still fully walk in the Lord's path and patiently listen and wait for the return of the Spirit?
My life right now, is in a desert, the low lying valley. But it's not dry, it's flooded with things I don't want to deal with. It's an erupting volcano pouring raging lava of distress into the soul and my eyes and ears are screaming for the Holy Spirit, yet the only thing I can find in my search for Him is his small still voice in my heart saying "wait."
Why God? You are so present in my life all the time, accept in this one issue. No matter what I do, I'm still confused on how to deal with it. I'm trying to figure out what I'm supposed to do here. I'm trying to find my way out of this valley, or you. One of the two has to happen or I will lose my mind. That simply can not happen. I have 2 children, and they need me. God. Please. Open this next door. NOW. Please. I need to move on. I know there is a fork in the road coming, but I can't even get to that fork because the "path" I'm on isn't forking yet...How long God? Seriously? I have been faithful to you, I have given everything of myself for your glory. I have felt your presence in my life, I have praised and worshipped you, and have promised to keep you center of my life, and Lord you KNOW I've been faithful even when I've been slapped in the face over and over and over again. In every other area of my life, you answer my prayers, I feel your presence, you work things out, your love overwhelmes me, you speak to my heart, I hear you, I follow you, I rest in you, you give me peace about things....except this one thing. You told me you're not going to give me more than I can handle...that sure is scary Lord seeing that what I've been dealing with is about all I can take. If it's going to get worse and You are not going to provide a way out for me, then I need to know now. It has to end one way or another, it's causing confusion and it's causing distress. This is not what you want, Lord? Right? You surely don't want this for my children. I started asking you 6 years ago. I can be patient and I have been. But day after day, of begging you Lord, please hear me now. What I'm asking is for your glory! What I'm asking is going to take the pain away! What I'm asking is do-able...
If you don't answer this one prayer, then the ONLY consequence is death, destruction, sadness and lonliness. So I know you will answer me. I know you can hear me. I know you are there, but why wait any longer? Heal the situation, or end it. I have a life to live. I need to move on to the left or to the right but I can't waver in this torture any longer.
Ya know what Lord? Forget about me! At least have mercy on girls! Please?