my husbands hidden words

I recently found this on our computer. It didn't go to anyone, and he never mentioned writing it. I have no idea when he wrote it, however I felt compelled to share it. I hope he doesn't get upset that I'm sharing it because as I'm writing this, he doesn't even know I found it. My gut tells me he wrote it sometime within the last year after he took it to pretty hard and almost offenseful when someone said "I know your job is stressful, but...."

Every 3rd day, this is Jason's life:

I Wish


I Wish you could comprehend a wife’s horror at 6 o’clock in the morning as I check her husband of forty years for a pulse, and find none. I start CPR anyway, hoping to bring him back, but knowing intuitively that it is too late. I do it though, wanting his wife and family to know everything possible was done to save his life.

I wish you could be in the emergency room as a doctor pronounces the death of a beautiful five-year old girl that I spent the last twenty-five minutes trying to save. The girl who will never go on her first date, or ever again tell her mommy “I Love you”.

I wish you could know my thoughts as I help extricate the lifeless body of a teen-age boy from the remains of his crumpled car. What if this was my son, my brother, or my friend? What will be his parents’ reaction when the Police Officer knocks on the door at 2 o’clock in the morning holding his hat in hand?

I wish you could understand what it feels like to have a little boy tugging at your arm and asking “Is my mommy okay?” Not being able to look him in the eye without tears flowing from your own. How DO you explain the needle hanging out of a pulse-less arm?

I wish you could have the strength to hold back the long-time friend who is fighting to get in the back of the ambulance to help his dying buddy who is being given CPR, all because he wanted to drive home with “the freedom of no seat belts.”

I wish you could feel the hurt as people verbally and sometimes physically abuse us because we are always the first ones there. I wish you could realize the physical, emotional and mental drain; the missed meals, lost sleep and forgone family and social events. I wish you could see the tragedy my eyes have seen.

I wish you could feel the frustration I feel behind the wheel of a fifty-thousand pound fire truck; honking the air horn again and again, pushing the siren tone-change again and again, as a driver fails to yield the right-of-way at an intersection, or in traffic. Yet, when we do arrive, often the first words are: “what took you so long?”

I wish you could know how it feels to come home to my family in the morning and not having the heart to tell them that I may not have come home from that last call.

I wish you could know the brotherhood and self-satisfaction of saving a life, or preserving someone’s beloved home; of being able to be there in a time of crisis, helping to create order in a time of chaos.

I wish you could know what it is like to search a burning second floor bedroom for trapped children at 3 o’clock in the morning, flames rolling above your head, your palms and knees burning as you crawl across the floor which is sagging under the weight of your search team as the kitchen below you freely burns.
I wish you knew the unique smell of burning insulation, or conduit; the taste of soot filled mucous, the feeling of being boiled like a lobster inside your turnout gear. I wish you could hear the crackling of flames as they burn the timber that supports the roof above you; the loneliness of crawling into a black-smoke so thick you can’t see the floor four inches from your face; the feelings that you know no one should ever have to feel.

I wish you could read my mind as I respond to a fire. What type of building is it? Are there any occupants? Where is the closest hydrant? What are the immediate hazards? Which way is the wind blowing? Do I need more resources? What is the weather? Is there enough fire involvement to go defensive? The list goes on…….

Unless you have been in our shoes, you will never know what it feels like to be a firefighter; to understand me, appreciate who I am or what my job means to me. But until then…………………… I wish.

After nights like these, he goes to his 2nd job as if nothing ever happened because he doesn't have a choice. Firefighters do not get paid much more than minimum wage to 12/hr. He comes home from a 24 hour shift, and then an additional 12 hour day of physical labor (with no sleep might I add) and then sometimes I have enough nerve to nag. I'm ashamed of myself!

God Bless my husband. I pray that he can find compassion in his heart for the people that oppress him and his brothers. What an impossible task. I'M SO GLAD I FOUND THIS.
I love you, Jason.

just had a minute chat here...

Let me tell ya, 43 degrees with a 20 mile an hour north wind feels like 20 degrees. For mid-April, it's just been so darn cold here. We are under a freeze warning until Monday morning. Hopefully, that will be it. Then maybe we'll get a glimspe of spring. It's a good thing I haven't planted my garden yet. I've been hesitating and I'm glad I did. Patience pays off huh? Maybe this just means summer will last until October and Fall will last until December? Wishful thinking I know. But who wouldn't wish that after going on an 8th month of winter. Sheesh. I'm pretty sure I'm going to shrivel up if some kind of warmth doesn't show up sometime soon.

So, it's for sure....come June 1st, I will officially be a stay-at-home mom. I keep telling my daughter "when summer time comes and it's warm enough to swim, I won't have to go to work anymore." (It's my response to her when she asks when do I not have to work anymore.) But I think she's got it backwards. She keeps saying "mommy, if you just stop working now, then it will be summer time." Oh baby, if only it were that easy. Her little 3 year-old mind is so precious. We went to see my grandmother last weekend and came back with an entire trashbag of more (you mean, there's more?) dress-up clothes handed down from a cousin. River was in heaven. It's as almost as if her entire world depends on when she can get dressed up. But I'm talking about the whole gammot (is that how you spell it?). Everyday when we get home, in 2 minutes flat she's taken off her clothes, put on the frilliest, laciest dress, white pearls, white gloves, high-heel strap-on sandals, a purse (full of everything any typical woman would have in her purse) and for the finishing touch adds a little sparkle lip-gloss. well, maybe more than just "a little." I'll have to get a picture. She's perfected this outfit in just one week. When she walks around the house dressed like this, it reminds me of some commercial photo you've seen in an advertisement or something of a little girl playing dress-up. She's my own little walking angel! But heaven forbid the time come at night when it's time to get UNdressed. She mopes around and slowly, but with an attitude, starts taking off piece by piece and says with a slow tone and seriously sad frown "I'm not a lady anymore." If only I could stop her growth. If only I could keep her 3 forever. I told her that one time. I said "oh please don't grow up anymore! I don't want you to grow up! Can't you just stay 3 forever?" Then she said very happily "You can't stop me!" dang it! This mom thing just keeps breakin' my heart.

Jason and I had a date night last night and she spent the night with her Mimi. That's J's mom. Riverlyn called me while on our date and asked if she could spend the night. Her little voice on the other end of the phone sounds so grown-up. So everytime we get this type of opportunity we think "oh boy, we can do something! No kids!" or "Time together! Yeah!" And this is what happens: we got our appetizer, talked about what we were going to do for the night, then we got our salads, talked some more, Then we ate the rest of the loaf of bread they bring you with all the good dippin's, talked some more. Then our meals came, took 2 bites, then asked for a box because we were so full we needed dolly's just to get out of the restaurant. Then when we got to the car we figured we'd just go home since we were too miserably full to do anything else. Yup, that's how our date goes! However, it was nice to leisurely make it home, not "tend" to anything, be as loud as I want whenever I want and then this morning I got to wake up and do what I'm doing right now. I guess we did do something productive last night. We got Jason's Crosswoods business for '08 in order. After tax time is always a good time to re-vamp and re-organize. So, that's our date night. And we enjoyed every minute of it. So, I'm going to go now, and re-fill my coffee, and then I'm going to stare outside for a little bit before getting in the shower and getting River from her Mimi's house. Maybe if I catch some sunshine now it will sustain me until spring gets here. Maybe spring will show up sometime around May or something. Later ya'll.

so you like it? Cammie created it, cute huh?

I know I haven't posted in a few days. I'm still alive. I've just been having a pity party lately for those of you who care. Every day, for the last "forever" I keep thinking that one day life will "get back to normal." But then I remember "oh yeah, it never was normal." So, I'll figure a way out of my funk. I need to stop worrying about everyone else's personal issues and worry about my own happiness. It's scary to think about certain situations and how exactly I am going to "get happy." So pray for me if you want to. If you don't care, I don't blame you. Have a nice frickin' day.